


AFTERLIFELAND

by orphan_account



Category: Death Note
Genre: Afterlife, Cake, Fluff, Gun Violence, Kissing, M/M, Picnics, Seventh Heaven - Freeform, a distant river, deflated near, matt dancing, spiderman - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-09
Packaged: 2018-01-22 01:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1571513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>L, Light, Mello and Matt find themselves in Afterlifeland. What is Afterlifeland? Why is Mello crying? Why does God have a beer hat? Who shot Near? And why is Matt dancing naked?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Picnic

L, Light, Mello and Matt sat in a circle/square, around a tartan blanket. Silence hung in the air, but it was quiet and peaceful, not loud and ringing. Most importantly, it was not awkward.   
The sun came out from behind its cloud and Mello took his hooded jacket off, swinging it at the grassy ground, his blonde hair gleaming in the pink sunlight.   
"Strange weather," said Matt. "Strange… space."   
"Mmm," L murmured. For 2D people, a 3D world had taken a bit of getting used to. Just a bit though; they were a pretty smart bunch. 

After respectively being killed by Rem, 24 men with guns, Takada, and Ryuk, the two L-dudes and the two M-dudes had waited in the dead queue for ages. Then, after finally being processed (when God got around to it) and waking up in Afterlifeland, they'd each had a few days of wandering around until they found each other.   
Now they were having a picnic on a grassy knoll. This picnic had been going on for... somewhere between three seconds and eight years - none of them could really tell. 

Anyway, by this time, whatever this time was, L and Light had 'reconciled their differences' and were 'sharing' a piece of cake. Mello was chewing on a chocolate bar with one side of his mouth, and Matt was staring into the distance, adjusting his goggles, trying to see the rainbow.   
"There is no rainbow," Mello snapped. But there was, surely, thought Matt, squinting. Just to annoy Mello he leaned back, showing off his shadow that none of the others had since they had been killed with a notebook, whereas Matt had been killed by having tonnes of bullets shot through him.   
"I really thought I would go to heaven, if anywhere," said Light arrogantly, twisting his cake fork around in the air. L inched the cake away from Light, silently annoyed.   
"I thought you'd go to hell," said Mello, looking Light straight in the eyes. They had a brief staring contest, which Mello won.  
"I thought I'd go to hell too," he then added, frowning slightly.   
"And me," said Matt.   
L was an atheist.   
"What the hell is this place anyway?" Mello demanded, gazing around at the scenery. In the distance was a river. No one answered. 

WELL. God wouldn't have admitted it, but He was currently going through a mid life crisis. He had started reading Nietzsche and drinking too much beer and thinking 'this beer is bad for my ageing kidneys' and drinking even more beer and worrying about everything. Consequently He'd given up a bit on the whole Heaven/hell thing and had been sending pretty much everyone to Afterlifeland, a place even more morally ambiguous than limbo.


	2. You weren't supposed to die

In SPK headquarters, a gunshot went off, deafening everyone for a few seconds. Halle screamed as Near fell backwards into his dice tower and in slow motion dice went everywhere, blood spattered, Near's head hit the floor with a sickening thud. He'd been shot in the face by - who? He didn't know. He was dead now. 

Near woke up on soft grass and shook his head, confused, trying to remember- something, anything. He looked up. There were hills for miles, Near couldn't see anything but hills. Wait no, there were some people in the distance. He got up and put his thumb in his mouth and took his thumb out of his mouth because it probably looked stupid and walked over to them. 

"Someone is joining us," said L, noticing a figure approaching them from afar. The rest of the group turned to watch as the figure got closer and closer.   
"Hold on," said Mello, voice low. His chocolate fell out of his mouth. "Isn't that… NEAR!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???" he screamed, scrambling up and accidentally kicking Matt in the knee and running to Near and picking him up by the shoulders and shaking him and throwing him to the ground. Gently, though. Well, kind of. Near thudded.   
"YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DIE!!" Mello wailed, his voice breaking on the word die. Near got up, rubbed his shoulder, shook his head again and stared at Mello.   
"What is this place?" he said. Mello didn't answer, eyes widening in disbelief. As much as he hated Near, he… Near was the only one that could… GAH. He wasn't supposed to die. Now who was gonna save the world?   
"What the FUCK!" he shrieked, falling to his knees, looking up at the sky where he thought God was. God, who wasn't in the sky, and was watching on His surveillance computer, chuckled.   
"Calm down Mello," said Near and patted his shoulder, cool as a green bean that had been bleached and sedated. Mello crumpled, head down, and started making an odd noise that sounded like crying but couldn't have been crying because Mello didn't cry. Near felt a bit sad seeing Mello (not) cry. Light, on the other hand, snickered. Pathetic boy, he thought, throwing Mello's half eaten chocolate bar away where it dissolved into nothingness.   
"Sit," said L, welcoming Near to the picnic. Near sat down.   
"Good to see you Near," said Matt, patting him on the back lightly. He coughed.   
"Nate," Light muttered, acknowledging him through clenched teeth. Stupid genius. 'The one that wasn't as good as L, but the one that finally got me'. Cool and sensible as Light was (apart from the mania and god complex and possible sociopathy), he couldn't get over it… It had ended all too soon. He wondered how the world was getting on with nobody there to protect the innocent ones by culling the evil ones. Surely Earth would be better off without Near, but then again maybe not.   
Near noticed Light seething at him and blinked. L pushed his cake and spoon towards Near, who smiled slightly and ate some.   
"So what happened?" asked Matt.   
"Someone shot me in the face," Near said. "I think it was Tobey Maguire."


	3. Spider

Halle turned on Tobey Maguire, pointing her gun at him.   
"T-Tobey Maguire?" she stuttered.  
"SPIDERMAN!" screamed Tobey. "I'M SPIDERMAN!!!! I'M A SUPERHERO AND I'M THE ONE THE WORLD NEEDS. THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED L!! THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED ANDREW GARFIELD!"   
Then Tobey shot himself in the head. 

Mello crawled along the ground to another hill and lay down on his back with his hands behind his head. His eyes were hurting due to saltiness. He didn't want the others to see him crying; he didn't want to face Near again, not yet. He stared at the pink sky. The fluffy clouds reminded him of Near's face and hairstyle. Stupid Near who went and died. What's the point? thought Mello, suddenly becoming terribly depressed. What's the point in living? Then he remembered that he wasn't living. He had sacrificed his life in order to catch Kira and help Near, and now he was dead, and so was Kira, and so was Near. What's the point in dying? he thought, even more depressed. What's the - who's that mad looking person in the blue and red jumpsuit? 

Tobey woke up in Afterlifeland with his gun, spun his head around until he saw his target, and galloped towards the picnic.   
"You ruined my life!" he howled at Near, tearing his badly made Spiderman mask (they hadn't let him keep the one from the movies) off and pointing his gun at Near's face. From his peripheral vision Near could see that Mello, hearing the commotion, had gotten up from his meditation spot or whatever it was on the other hill and was running towards them.   
"Haven't you shot me in the face enough?" said Near reasonably to Tobey. Some might say once was MORE than enough, that it was in fact TOO many times, but Near was prepared to compromise.   
"Don't you think twice is pushing it?" he said, tilting his head.   
"Excuse me," interrupted Matt, who had been shot 5 times in the face.   
"Sorr-" said Near, the end of the word cut off because Mello had finally reached his target, and he rugby tackled the pale one to the ground and enveloped him with his body. Near, surprised but not unpleasantly, stayed in the odd suffocating hug strangle maternal hold protect embrace cuddle squish and held on, feeling Mello's tear-stained cheek on the back of his neck. When Mello stopped shaking and turned to bravely face Tobey, Near thought mellowly 'I had no idea Mello liked me so much.' He was secretly extremely pleased and he smiled into Mello, eyes shining. He had always had a bit of a weird crush on him. Now they no longer had a rivalry to be fulfilling their roles in, maybe they could be -   
But before Near could finish his train of thought, Tobey, with his trembling hands and red streaming eyes and crumpling face, shot a hole straight through Near and Mello in their embrace. The result: Near's face was fine (!) but chunks of his lungs were missing. He coughed. Mello, contrary to popular belief, had two hearts, one for himself and one for Near. Luckily, despite the odds, both were missed by Tobey's bullet. His left kidney was fucked though. 

And so they died again, and ended up in the place where people who die hugging each other end up - in seventh heaven, in a closet, where they could make out for eterni- until another couple were admitted into seventh heaven.   
L and Light and Matt watched as the odd couple disappeared, wondering vaguely what would happen to them.   
"What do we do in here?" Mello wondered aloud, plugging Near's lung hole with some warm melty chocolate he happened to have on him. He blew on the chocolate to harden it and then patted Near's chest, his hand accidentally brushing against Near's nipple. Near shivered and gasped.   
"Are we in a closet?" said Mello.   
"I think so. Are your hearts okay?" asked Near, who had known for a long time that Mello had two.   
"How did you -"   
"Are your hearts okay, Mihael?" Near grinned.   
"Yes," Mello said and kissed him.

Meanwhile, Tobey had shot himself in the head again and was headed to God's office.   
"A special case," said God's assistant. "Keeps shooting Near, and Tobey Maguire." God had a soft spot for Near, and an even softer spot for Tobey Maguire, and didn't want either of them to be shot. Even Tobey would not be forgiven for shooting Tobey.   
"Bring him in," said He, slurping beer from His beer hat.   
"Hello," said Tobey.   
"Hello," said God.


	4. Matt removes clothes

L and Light picked up the picnic rug and carefully moved it to yet another hill, away from all the blood and blue and red pieces of fabric and bits of Near-lung and Mello-kidney.   
"Thanks guys," said Matt shakily, who was distraught that Mello had left him again and therefore too distracted by grief to figure out how to pick up a picnic rug, or a sandwich. Now he had no friends… he'd have to make friends with L. Or Light. Or find something else to do. DANCE. He pulled off his striped top and removed his goggles.  
"What are you doing?" said Light, setting the picnic rug down.   
"I'm going to dance." He undid his belt.   
"Why?"   
"Because I wanna! In the mafia you can't dance. Who's gonna stop me now?"   
ME, thought L and Light at the same time.   
"But why are you taking all your clothes off?" demanded Light.   
"Your stripes suit you, Matt," said L quickly, who was also uncomfortable about being stripped in front of.   
Ten minutes later, Matt had finished his dance, L had vomited and Light had fainted. 

God had decided to send Tobey to spider hell, where all the bad egg spiders went.   
"Now he will realise he is not a spider but a man."   
"I'M BOTH!" screeched Tobey, as God pushed him down the whirly slide. He landed in spiders.   
"Brothers, sisters, don't hurt me, I am one of you," he said as the spiders ate him. 

Meanwhile in seventh heaven, Mello had chocolate dripping down his face and Near was unconscious.   
Mello had accidentally sucked all the oxygen out of Near by kissing him more enthusiastically than was strictly necessary, and then sexily licking up the chocolate on his chest (that he had forgotten plugged up his lovely's lung hole and allowed him to breathe).  
"My lovely," sighed Mello, picking deflated Near up and holding him in his arms. The childish looking one flopped, limp, his head lolling to the side. Then, without warning, some other people apparated into the cupboard, wearing cloaks (Was that Hermione and Harry? Wasn't Hermione meant to be with Ron? Mello wondered, suspicious, before he was sucked back into the temporary space-time void), and Near and Mello found themselves - back at the hilly place. Afterlifeland. 

They appeared in waves of visibility, accompanied by a weird stretching noise, kind of like a TARDIS.   
Matt, half naked, was leaning over fainted Light, smelling him. He smelt of man peach, or peach man. L, who'd vomited up rather a lot of cake, had his eyes closed and was swaying slightly.   
"Put your clothes on for god's sake," said Mello to Matt, gently positioning Near on the picnic rug and placing a juicy looking strawberry in his mouth to wake him up.   
"That's not gonna work," said Matt.   
"You just see," said Mello. It didn't work. Near still flopped, unconscious.   
"Where'd you go anyway?" said Matt.   
"Seventh heaven."   
"Oh." Kissy kissy.   
"Near," Mello said, poking his squishy cheek. "Should I kiss him?"   
"What? No."   
Mello, who hadn't actually wanted Matt's advice, kissed Near. Near woke up and immediately returned the kiss, adding some tongue. Sex it up. Just as their making out was starting to get passionate, Light woke up from fainting and looked around.   
"Mello plus Near equals loooooove," Matt was singing.  
"What the fuck?" Light spat, disgusted. Mello + Near does not = love, he thought angrily. Mello + Near = my untimely death.   
"Oh fuck off Light," Matt flicked Light's pointy nose. "I hate peach scent anyway," he added, although he loved peach scent, and peaches.   
"Please," said L, who was eating cake quickly and hungrily in order to fill the recently emptied cake void inside of him. "Be civil."   
Mello and Near continued to feverishly make out on the tartan blanket and Matt began to dance again, with his clothes on this time. Light, not wanting to be a part of this nightmare anymore, closed his eyes and dreamt of better days… days of killing criminals with his notebook, laughing madly at his own ingenious methods of not getting caught, being adored by millions… L finished his cake and burped.   
"Yum," he said.  
END


End file.
